Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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