Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize
