I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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