The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
