Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
