we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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