note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
