I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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