Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also, beer. Big fan.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
