i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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