Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
