My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
