I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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