Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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