I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
