I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
