She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
