I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
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Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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