so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
