We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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