You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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