got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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