i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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