1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
