so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
