I skipped work to stalk him.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
