Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
