phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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