clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
