even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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