guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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