I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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