I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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