someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
