I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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