All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
