I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
