WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This is the high leading the old right now
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
