Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
