two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
