I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
