I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
