my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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