Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
