Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
