Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
