it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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