Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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