You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
