Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
even my farts smell like vagina
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
