That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
