whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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