I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
