I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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