How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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