people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
